2009-05-13 12:43:21 UTC
When I was a baby, my siblings hated me. That's not really unusual at all, but they really enjoyed scaring me and hurting me. They would tell me about all of the monsters that lived in my area, and would team up against me to pretend to be these monsters. When an exciting carnival came to town, they told me that pirates were coming to town to kill small children, and made me pick a ride to die on and write my own will. That was around the age of four.
Around the age of six, I started school. Every day before school, I would cry and cry because I didn't want to wake up. I don't think a day went by that my entire face wasn't wet. Of course, when I got home, my parents would be extremely angry with me for being upset in the morning. They'd be upset for quite some time sometimes. One day, when I wanted to play hide and go seek before school, my mother slapped me across my face.
I was not allowed to be upset over anything. When I was, my mother would get that angry upset look and say, "I know, everyone hates me. I'm such an awful person. I know, you hate me." and I would have to start saying, "no mommy, I don't hate you. I love you." It was my responsibility, ever since I started school.
When I was 9, my sister became anorexic. My parents would sit with her in the kitchen, jabbing her arm with pens, hitting her and yelling at her for hours to get her to eat. It didn't work. My brother became severely depressed and violent, throwing things around if he didn't get to eat junk food, there were holes in the walls from arguments. I would watch my sister get hit from my window which was across from hers, and watch her cry. I'd try to forget about it by watching TV but I was always afraid that I was dying, it felt like my throat was closing up so I had to stop, and I sat by my bed and prayed all night. One night, I remember my sister coming into my room, which I shared with my parents, with a guitar. I remember hearing she was going to kill me and my father with it, but that my parents were awake and stopped her, but I don't believe she would do that that. I have convinced myself that it was a dream. I cried a lot, and I had anger problems as well. I remember cutting a chunk out of a dress of mine out of anger, and putting a pillow over my head in hopes that I would choke at the age of around 7.
After a while, I don't know how long, my sister went to the hospital. I was the only one she would respond to, so I visited her at the hospital every day after the fourth grade, it was around a 40-minute drive. Most of my day after school was spent there.
I was the good child to my mother, at an early age. She would fight with my father in front of me for hours, in cars or anywhere, and she would say that my father would take my teenage siblings, and she would take me and move far away. For some strange reason this made me special. Around the age of 11, when I hit puberty, this changed. My siblings were now 16 and 17 and had moved out, and my mother planned on moving out alone without me. This was around the time where I remember she began getting angrier with me, hitting me, pinching me, yelling at me, shoving me, shaking me. Not every day at all, it wasn't abuse, but it was scary. One day I was afraid she would kill me, it all ended with her throwing everything in my room on the floor and yelling at me to clean it up, so I did for a few hours, and my heart would race every time someone passed the room.
When I was 11, I moved to a country that I hate, I'd do anything to live in the states again. I made some friends, was backstabbed by them, ignored every single day by them, then they begged me to be their friend again, blamed everything on me, and finally stopped talking to me again. I have nothing now. I planned my suicide when I was 12. I watched 90210 every single day, and I was going to kill myself with gas, like the woman in the car was going to do with Kelly. I cried every single night, sometimes for absolutely no reason, and many times at school.
Now, I am 16. I have never told anyone about this, although CPS was involved with my family a while back. I don't remember it, my brother does. I have to go see a counselor, and she keeps trying to say that I'm anti-social, I'm really not. She also keeps hinting at the fact that I have no social skills. I do have social skills, and I do have emotional needs, and being around this woman makes me want to cry. I don't have a lot of friends because I don't have anything in common with them. I have social skills, I do interact with people, I'm just introverted and I have issues trusting people. She keeps discouraging me from being in classes where I have to be social, even though she doesn't know me. She is forcing me to see her, and forcing her